Day 380: The Raw Sadness of a Miscarriage

Today me and the little guy went to Disneyland with a fellow stay-at-home dad and his little guy.  We have a lot in common with our little guys being very close in age, and our relationships with our wives being from Scandinavia, and so on, so even though we have not known each other for more than a month, we have quickly started to spend a lot of time together and get to know one another.

We had for the most part of the day a really nice time, and as the afternoon wore on, he shared that his wife had a check-up today, and he was a little concerned because there was some bleeding.  She was 14 weeks pregnant, so she was far enough along that they had told people that she was pregnant.  He is a proud father, and was beaming with happiness when he told us he was going to be a father at the end of the summer.  Proud, happy, and excited.

So, as the afternoon progressed, he got more and more worried.  He was checking his phone constantly.  He was concerned.  We talked about it, and I said that it does not necessarily mean anything is wrong, and suggested that he stay away from googling it too much and wait for word from the doctor.  But then, as we were on our way home, the phone rang.

As he sat there on the phone, I looked at him, and he just shook his head, “no.”  I knew what he meant.  They had lost the baby.  The sadness in his face, in his eyes, is his body language is something I will never forget.  He was crushed.  He hung up the phone, and just said, “no more.”  I grabbed his shoulder, gave it a squeeze, and kept my mouth shut.  Sometimes saying nothing is the best thing to do.  So we sat there on the metro ride from Disneyland in silence, as our toddlers chatted amongst themselves.

He looked a little angry, but as we journeyed home, I saw that it was not anger, it was simply that he was in his head, wondering if they did something wrong.  Could they have been more careful in those earlier days with her stress levels, with what they ate?  Could they have done anything differently?  Then he said the only thing I would have said, “I guess if the baby did not make it thru this part, it would not have been healthy enough to survive anyway.”  I told him this is the commonly-held ideology, and to hold firm knowing this in the days ahead.  Also, I said that it reminds us of how lucky we are to have children, and it puts things into perspective to just appreciate what you have, and pointed to the little guys.

He jumped off the bus at his stop and went on his way, trying to add some bounce in his step.  My heart was crushed for him as he headed home tonight to his distraught wife, who was also excited about the second one.  They will be ok, they have great attitudes and the right outlook on life, but today was so hard to see that I just want to give them both a big hug.


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