Day 378: The Stress of Feeding a Toddler

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There are a lot of challenges when raising a tiny human.  Sleep, what kind of stimulation you should give them, and food are all major elements to the thought process of how you deal with your days.

Some days, everything comes together.  A great lunch.  A great snack.  Nice nap.  Eating lunch like a champ.  Another good snack.  Then, a beautifully-executed dinner, followed by going peacefully to bed.  All of the above peppered with the right amount of mental and physical stimulation.

If what I just described is our “holy grail” that we try to attain, then I am Indiana Jones in the movie Indiana Jones: The Last Crusade every day, struggling against all odds in order to get the above to happen.  Most of it, as you can see, relies on the little guy eating well throughout the day.  Often the little guy is like the part in the same movie where there is an old soldier in a place with goblets, all of which could be the holy grail.  When the bad guys drink from the wrong cups he says, “he chose poorly.”  Similarly, when the little guy will not eat his food, and says to me that for this meal, “you chose poorly”, (ok he doesn’t actually say that, but it’s in his eyes), it is no fun.

I don’t die or melt when this happen like it does in the movie, but there is no less stress for me as a stay at home parent than seeing the little guy not eat well.  I don’t know why it is such a big deal to me that he is eating well, but I think it stems back to a basic thing.  Sleep.  The logic has always gone, since he was a baby, that if he ate well thru the day, he would sleep thru the night.  And to be honest, this is mostly true.  On the days he eats well, he tends to sleep thru the night without waking up.  If he does not eat well, I might be in there a few times a night with a bottle to help fill him up.  And if you think it’s bad dealing with a screaming human who suddenly has meltdowns at any moment (a toddler), then imagine doing that without some solid uninterrupted sleep day after day.  It’s not easy, and especially not easy to do so in a way that allows you to pleasantly interact with others.  Additionally, and more importantly, the little guy needs good solid sleep for his brain development to be at it’s best, so I want him to get that sleep for his sake, too.

So, every time I am having a meal with him, starting with breakfast, I am stressed.  Genuine heart-rate increasing stress that makes me feel on edge.  I hate meal times, I hate the battle that comes along with it, and I hate the feeling of dissatisfaction that goes along with the little guy not eating, because I know it will mean an unsatisfied little guy who will have more freakouts and will need more snacks more often as the day progresses, or if it is dinner, the chances are it will be a restless night.  It is a fantastic feeling to see him eating well, and such a relief on my heart, but it is almost overshadowed by worries about the next meal.

All of this is of course not his fault and I don’t really hold it against him when things are not going well with a meal, but it is still difficult to see someone refuse to eat when you know that they need it and would be happier if they did.  You cannot force them to eat and we are trying to follow an approach where we let him decide if he eats what is in front of him, and how much he eats so that he maintains a healthy attitude about food.  But, what he likes one day or minute will be treated like it is trash or poison the next minute or day – just to keep me as the parent on my toes 😉

I guess I will have to let this go at some point, it surely is not healthy to worry about it.  But that’s where I am at right now, and without a doubt there are others out there who feel or have felt the same way.  Parenting is like being in one big therapy group – there’s always someone who understands, and everyone has been in your shoes one way or another 😉

Day 377: Different Parenting Styles

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In Hong Kong, we have a group of 4 friends with children about the same age as the little guy.  We are all from different parts of the world, and most of us are in relationships with someone from a different country as us.  Every country has it’s expectations on what the “right way” is to raise a kid.

It has become increasingly apparent to me that the mother who I hang out the most with the little guy and her little guy (the same one who the little guy learned pushing from) is no longer in the same parenting style as me and my wife.  This is super interesting to me because when the guys were little (babies), we had the same approach, and that is what brought us closer together.  Same ideas about feeding, sleeping, about not just sitting at home with them, and so on.

But now, as time is passing and the little guys need more guidance and help to not be little monsters, but instead delightful little humans, it is becoming clearer that her approach and my approach are very different.  And they are so different that I think that her child might be a bad influence on my child now.  This is something I never thought I would say, partly because we were so similar before, but also because it is such a cliche to say it.  They have so much fun when they are together, but it is pure chaos, and the little guy is running after him, doing “naughty” things with him that he would never do on his own or with his other friends – it’s like he is learning all the potential bad habits that a kid can have from one kid.  They do have fun being wild like this, but is it ok?

What I mean is that I take a more pedagogical approach to raising my son.  I believe it is my job to teach him and to make sure he sees that learning comes from everywhere and everything.  For example, we see a dog and we talk about the dog, we talk about what color it is, if it is big or small, and so on.  And, this approach also involves creating boundaries and discipline when necessary.  I am a more proactive person, so rather than chasing after my son yelling “no”, I make sure that the word “no” comes with an action, like taking something away from him if he is throwing it where he shouldn’t.   I have a nature + nurture approach, rather than blaming “that’s just how the little guy is” when I see something happen that is not ok.

This mother, as much as I like her as a person and as a friend, seems to not care that her little one is a wild child.  He is not mean or malicious (yet), but he does not listen to her, he does not care about other kids, and he does what he wants, when he wants.  In fairness to him, he does so because he can do so, and because that is the relationship he has with his mother.  She runs after him saying “no” but it does not mean anything as he dashes off to an escalator or to go tumbling down the stairs.  And maybe most frustrating about it is if her son does anything that is not OK, like tackle another kid, she might apologize to the parent and say “no” to her son, but she does not teach him what the right thing to do is.  If you don’t teach him the right behavior, how will he know what to do?  She does have him enrolled in some “school” programs (like pre-kindergarten) right now hoping he will learn some discipline there, but isn’t that the parent’s job, not the school’s job?

Meanwhile, I have the other friends who I originally thought might have different parenting styles than me, and it turns out on these bigger things like I mention above in how to handle a toddler, we are fairly close.  So it is a funny turn from not having as much in common with this person to having more in common, as we seem to bring a similar philosophy into our approach to parenting styles.

All-in-all, it’s difficult for me to take a step away from my good friend and the little guy’s good friend.  But it seems like what is better for the little guy right now to be around other children and parents who approach things in a similar way, so that he can also learn from the other children and parents.  The right playmates are so important right now for a 16-month-old toddler, and while I do not want to take away one of his best friends, I do hope that one of the other little guys and him will get closer.

Day 376: Time for a Basketball Hoop

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Yesterday I made a trip to Sham Shui Po to the “toy store street” I wrote about previously and purchased a few new items for the little guy.  A bunch of balls, a new scooter, and a basketball hoop were on the list, and I found everything I wanted, plus a few things I did not realize I wanted before the trip.

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the new toy

So, this morning I set up the basketball hoop for the little guy, and after I put the ball thru the hoop 1 time, he did not need any more of a tutorial.  He was slamming it, jamming it, and dunking it.  He was shooting and missing, shooting and making it, and generally having a great time.  I was not too surprised because he is such a fan of ball games like football (soccer), and in this one you get to use your hands, so that’s probably amazing to him.

One funny thing happened.  I was sitting about 3 meters back from the hoop, shooting some shots to have some fun of my own.  Seeing this, the little guy decided to change his game-playing.  Instead of dropping the ball right in from close range, he decided he too wanted to shoot the ball from 3 meters away.  The only thing is, his range is about 0,5 meters.  So, he would go and get a ball, come back to where I was sitting and drop down into sitting position, and then he would “shoot” (throw) the ball towards the hoop.  This went on for at least 30 minutes, even when I tried to remind him that it should be played more up-close.  I hope this is just the first of many times that we play basketball together in the future 🙂

Day 375: Dude, Quit Pushing!

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The little guy has developed a little play “habit” over the last few weeks.  He is walking up to another kid, or while playing with them, he is pushing them.  Pushing them hard enough they fall over.  Pushing them from the front or the back, sometimes chasing after them.  The other little ones are usually unimpressed.  The little guy is not doing this maliciously, and has a smile on his face, and does not understand if the other one gets sad.

This habit most likely came from one of the friends he plays the most with, who does not know his own strength and simply runs others over, pushes them, and falls on them.  He also does not do it maliciously.  And when the little guy and him do this to each other, they often fall and unless they are hurt in that fall, they find this “play” fun.  It’s basically wrestling.

When the little guy pushes others, I am trying to get in there and show him how to do it instead, where he is gentle with others and hugs them or just pets them (almost like we showed him how to pet a dog).  The best is if the other kid is upset and I get in there right away and show him that this is not ok, and show him a better way to interact that is more gentle, and then have him hug the other one, so they do not develop a fear of the little guy.

My friend who is the mom of the one he likely learned this behavior from thinks maybe it is not helping the little guy that her guy does not get upset when he is pushed.  So the little guy is a little confused, like, “why is it ok when I push this one but not these others?”  So I am trying to also teach him without the reactions from his friend, which is a little harder.

So, now on we go positively reinforcing the good behaviors, like the hugs and the soft touches, while getting right in there if he pushes or tugs at another.  It offers a bit of solace to me that the little guy genuinely thinks he is playing and does not want to hurt others (this can be seen by his attempts to hug them if they are hurt, and the confusion that comes on their face if they cry).  I am hoping this pushing thing will pass quickly – after all, it seems like a lot of kids go thru it.

Day 374: Little Crying Drunk Men

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Spending your days with toddlers is at times awesome and fun, and at other times exhausting.  There are times when they are all happily playing and making your life easy as their parent, and there are times when they are all running in opposite directions and it is anything but peaceful.  There are times when it’s “the other” kid who is being a pain and crying like a weirdo, and there are times when you are so embarrassed that it is “your kid” who is “that kid.”

One thing that helps me enjoy the day, regardless of all of the nonsense that I might witness is having a sense of humor.  I tell you one thing, parenting is a lot easier if you have a sense of humor and do not take everything too seriously.  Of course if you are too laid back that is not working – but I am not talking about being laid back.  Just having enough perspective to step back occasionally, when you might need it most, and seeing the situation for what it is.

Today the little guys were playing on a football pitch that is owned by the Discovery Bay College.  This is more like a k-14 school system where everyone wears a uniform and the football pitch is a sometimes-used space by people who need another place to go besides the parks and playgrounds.  We were there towards the end of the day, and there were some kids playing with one of those motorized cars that kids can ride in.  You know these things, they are basically every kid’s dream.

So, when the bigger kids (way to big to be in this car) were done, naturally our little guys went over to it, and wanted to play on it.  The other stay at home dad in the group pushed the kids around the pitch until security came and said we could not have the car on the pitch (this was funny because the kids had it on the pitch before us, but they did not say anything to them – probably because they were in uniforms and we were not).  So basically this meant the car was off limits and they took it away.

With this, the little guy FREAKED.  He was crying inconsolably because he loved this car so much.  He wanted to be in it the rest of the day, week, month, and his life.  I tried to hold him and show him other things, but he wanted down, he wanted to walk over to where the car was moved to, and he wanted to get in it again.  He is not a good climber.  So, the other little guys crawled in and were having fun, but the little guy just stood there crying, wanting to get in.

I did not help him.  Why should I?  What would he learn if he sat there crying and I helped him in?  Positive reinforcement for crying, right?  Eventually he stopped crying and was still trying to crawl in, so I then helped him into the car and everything was good until we had to get going.

At any moment during the afternoon, the little ones were walking around crying.  Mine was crying because of the car, another was crying because he wanted to be close to his mom, another wanted more food.  One was just tired after the long active day.

Have you ever watched a toddler when they are tired and crying while walking around?  First of all, at the age of 16 months they are still not super stable when they walk, so they kind of wander around like a drunk person.  Second, there is no real solid reason for why they are crying sometimes, so that means that they are hard to console.  So, they wander around crying for no reason, and will not stop no-matter what you do.  If there are more than one of them doing this at the same time, it is like watching a group of drunk rugby fans getting off the ferry to Discovery Bay from Central after a day of watching the game.

It’s funny to see this, it’s funny to see the tiny little guys who are dealing with all these emotional ups and downs doing the only thing that they can to show frustration: cry.  Of course you have to have compassion for it when it is legitimate, but in those other times, it’s good for a laugh before jumping into dealing with it.

Day 373: Talk like a Duck

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The little guy is still not really talking.  But he is getting more and more interested in all the animals in the world, and what it is they do to communicate.

Over the last week, he suddenly started responding when I ask “What does a xx (animal) say?”  (I have always asked this when reading to him or seeing an animal, and then answered my own question)  It was quiet and meek at first: “woof” for the dog.  And “mmmw” for the cat.  But now he is getting more confident, and he is able to roar properly like a lion, and tonight he even quacked really spectacularly like a duck.

He is also doing the movements of the animals, based on the book I wrote about before, “You can do it.” by Eric Carle.  When we were at the zoo last week, he waved his arms like a monkey when I told him the animal he was seeing was a monkey, and if he had seen a seal he would have clapped, and if it had been an elephant he would have stomped his foot.

All of this awareness on communication must be part of his language center developing for him; learning words, but also learning that actions can be a part of language, too.  His vocabulary from a comprehension perspective is really impressive, and is getting quite complex, so I imagine one day soon enough he will take the initiative and start throwing out a few words on his own instead of saying “bah” and pointing in a general direction.  The guessing game that goes with this phase of his development is definitely not easy, so I welcome this with open arms 😉

Day 372: HK Disney: it’s a small world ride

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Today we went to Disneyland as a family.  How fun!  As you know we have an annual pass so we go quite often, but rarely does my wife get to join us.

One ride the little guy has loved since we first started going to Disneyland is the “it’s a small world” ride.  This is basically a ride where you sit on a boat that takes you through the world, while a bunch of toddler-sized robotic humans dressed in regional clothing sing the “it’s a small world” song in their own language.

  
The little guy (and every other child I have been on the ride with) loves this ride.  There is something that used to be hypnotizing when he was younger, probably the repeating music.  But now he is pointing out things, gets excited to see certain characters, tells us what things are (in his own language), and he waves to say hello and goodbye.

If you find yourself at Disneyland with a toddler who is maybe starting to get a little tired or cranky, I would recommend this ride as a way to boost their energy at least temporarily.  It’s a crazy ride for us adults, but imagine how fantastic it is thru the eyes of a toddler!

Day 371: I’m Afraid He’ll Fall / Let Him Fall

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My wife and I are pretty close in our philosophy about parenting for many things.  But a difference came out today that made me smile.  Partially I smiled because this is one of those things that everyone says is a “dad / mom” thing.  Another reason is because maybe our difference comes from how much more time I spend with the little guy.

Basically we were out on a walk and the little guy would venture off on his own  occasionally (most of the time).  Sometimes he would crawl up on something, other times he would go down a treacherous and rocky path, althewhile curious and basically ignoring our calls and pleas to be careful.

A few times when he crawled up or went down into an area that looked a little dangerous, my wife ran after him, quick to be right next to him, saying “I’m afraid he’ll fall.”  To that I would reply, “he won’t fall, it’s ok.”  He would not listen when we told him not to crawl up, and I told my wife, “let him fall, it’s the only way he will learn.”  Of course she could not let that happen, so she was right there next to him.  Being that I spend 24/7 with him, I knew he would not fall because he has mastered walking in those spaces, so I was not nervous – additionally, if we told him not to go there and he did anyway, it might be good for him to learn on his own what things are dangerous.

Now, I should point out that I do not want my son to fall, obviously.  However, I do not think the way to help him is to let him ignore me and then be right there next to him so he does not hurt himself when he does something dangerous.  Why would he essentially get positive reinforcement for not listening to us, his parents?  Clearly, there is a limit to how dangerous it can be before I would let him do anything, like I would never let him go near a knife or crawl around on a balcony.

However, if he starts walking down a path that we tell him not to go down, and he continues and falls because of the big rocks, and cries because he fell, I will not rush to him and dry his tears.  I will let him get up and stop crying on his own.  This will not only teach him that maybe dad is not such an idiot when he says “don’t go down there,” or “be careful,” but it will also teach him that when you get hurt, you get up again and move on.  Seems like a good life lesson for physical and emotional pain, taught in a simple way.

I hate gender essentialism, and I also hate “dads are like xx and moms are like yy,” but this is one thing that I have read about before – that dads are more prone to be like, “ok, you need to fall and I wish I could stop you from falling but then you will not learn,” and moms are supposedly more prone to be like “I’ll protect you and prevent you from ever getting hurt.”  I am not one to say which one is correct, if there is only one correct approach.

To me it seems situational, and everyone has their own “safe zone” and “danger zone” based on where their limits are of what they think will be ok for their children.  Regardless, it is probably painful to every parent to see their child get hurt, no-matter what the circumstances.

Day 370: Tsui Wah Restaurant, Hong Kong

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As a foreigner in Hong Kong, it can be intimidating to try the places that are always packed with people during meal times.  You know they are probably good, but culturally it is just so different from what you are used to, you might not even know how to order.  If you do go to one, what should you eat?

There is another stay-at-home dad in our little group, and he is from Hong Kong.  So, when he found out I liked lamb chops, he said, “we must go to Tsui Wah so you can have the grille lamb chop in curry.”  So, we made a stop and ate while our little ones were napping.  Fantastic food!

Apparently the restaurant started as just one tiny little place and now there are many of them, and the company is listed on the stock market.  They have an extensive menu (also in English), and the food all looked good.  Prices are reasonable; definitely not expensive.

I had the fantastic Grilled Lamb Chop Malaysian Curry with Rice, which was a bit spicier than I would normally order, but it was great.  Additionally, we all split some nice Spinach Dumplings.  

To drink I had Almond Milk with Egg White, which was unique.  Basically they have boiling hot almond milk and they add the egg white raw, and it basically gets poached.  My friend told me it is good for hair and skin 😉   Luckily it tasted like traces of marzipan, and although the temperature of the drink did not help with the spice of the curry, it was a nice addition to the meal.       

  
 So if you see the “TW” sign when you are out in Hong Kong, check it out, you’ll be glad you did 🙂

Day 369: L16 Restaurant in Hong Kong Park

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Today a group of us made a trip with our little ones to Hong Kong Park, then over to the Botanical Gardens and Zoo.  It was a wonderful day, and along the way we stopped for lunch at L16 in Hong Kong Park.

This is basically the only restaurant in the park, and they serve Thai and Japanese food.  They have quite an extensive menu and I was surprised to see the prices were not outrageous or any higher than they would be at any mid-scale restaurant around town.  For example my meal was 92 hkd. 

 I had the Crab Fried Rice with Truffle.  As you know, I think truffle is amazing, so when I saw this on the menu I knew immediately it was for me.  And how was it?  It was really good!  I was surprised that it was as good as it was considering truffle is not a standard Asian flavor.  The least good thing about it was the crab meat, which was added afterwards instead of being fried with the rice. 

 If you find yourself going to Hong Kong Park around lunchtime, there are very few options (like some takeaway from a restaurant or the supermarket at Pacific Place).  But if the weather is right, and you want to have a nice meal, check out L16, you might be as surprised as I was 🙂