Day 88: Playing with the Baby: Me Compared to the Mothers

Pappa on LeaveLeave a comment

I have been enjoying a much-needed increase in play dates – lately the little guy and I have been doing one or maybe two play dates a day.  It’s great to see all the little ones playing, and one thing I have noticed is the same for every group I bring him to: I play differently with the little guy than the moms play with their little guys (and girls).

Before I go any further, if you read this blog somewhat regularly, you know I am not big on gender stereotypes.  In fact, I hate them.  So, understand that what I am saying in this is not a broad statement about men and women, but me compared to the women I have seen in various play groups – probably 50 or so different mom-and-child pairs.  To make my point that this is not about gender stereotypes, I have 1 guy friend who also plays in a similar way with his little guy as the moms do.

So, what is the difference in how we play?  The big one, and the reason I wanted to post on it today, is that I play much more interactively with the little guy.  I always give him that time on his tummy, and he plays with toys and stares at people and generally has fun.  But there are times when I notice he is getting a little unhappy that I might pick him up, swoop him around, and blow on his belly and rub his ribs – these are things he likes.  I will cover his face and call his name, and then say, “there he is!” when he peeks his head thru.  I will lie on my back and place him on my stomach and let him play there, or pick him up and fly him around.  These are all things that he likes, and that we do daily when he and I are playing together.  He LOVES them when it is just me, him, and his mother at home.  And when there are others around and we are not at home, he likes it too (but is not squealing as much as he does at home).  Many of the mothers have commented about how cuddly the little guy is, and how much he likes to interact with other people (adults, not the other babies for some reason) – this is of course his personality, but I wonder if all the touch-based interaction we (both me and him, but also his mother and him) have with him is part of it.

Meanwhile, the mothers in the play groups interact in a different way.  They might talk more to their little ones, guide them while saying nice and encouraging words, and give them a toy they will like.  They talk to them more from a perspective of “wow, that’s a nice toy”, instead of what I would do, where I would ask, “what is that toy you have?” (I do a lot of the former style of encouragement throughout the day, too, but you get the point.)

When the mothers in the play groups pick up their children, it is more from a nurturing or functional perspective than that of playing (it feels like for them, “picking up = only to comfort or do something”).  I can see the benefits of the style I have seen from the mothers over how I play with the little guy – because the babies are learning independence and are exploring, where the little guy might turn to me for guidance more often, maybe because he is used to being so close.  I should note that this might just come because the little guy is in a phase (starts at 6 months of age) where strangers are scary.  Apparently those that the babies meet before 6 months are OK, but those they meet after that phase they are not as easy to warm up to.

The little guy is super social (with adults) and always has been, so social games are more interesting to him than other games or staying on the floor for an hour.  Regardless, I am dying to see a mother also pick up their baby to play with them, so I do not feel like “that guy who picks up his baby to play with him instead of only setting them on the floor.”  It’s bad enough I am the only guy in the many groups I have been a part of, but to also play so differently is difficult for me and makes me self-conscious about how we do play – even though the little guy laughs and seems to enjoy his time much more than any of the other babies.  I will note that in the music-related play groups that usually involve bouncing around, swaying, singing, and so on, this “handling style” of play that I have means that the little guy seems to enjoy it more than the other babies, who are not used to being played to with movement from their moms.

I have a feeling as he starts crawling and moving more, he will not like to be picked up as much.  But until then, I will keep on doing as I am doing – after all, if we both enjoy it and find it fun, it can only be good, right? 😉

Day 87: How busy should your schedule be?

Pappa on LeaveLeave a comment

The schedule of me and the little guy is starting to get really full.  Mainly it is play dates, but there is also “kinder musik” and baby swim as well.  The play dates are anywhere from one other child to a whole group and range in their organization (from nonstop activities and singing to nothing special planned).  Some are near home and some are a bit of a journey to get to.

So, as I looked at my calendar tonight, I got to wondering – just how much is enough?  Is 1 social activity with other children a day enough?  Is it too much?  I was thinking about the people from smaller towns (less than 8 million that Hong Kong has), and I realized that surely they do not have all this opportunity to meet so many other children of the same age range – and they turn out fine, right?  Am I overdoing it, or should try to pack the schedule more?  

As it is now, I am thinking 1 “main event” a day is good, and then any other smaller get-togethers are a good add-on.  After all, we have a lot of good play time when it’s just the two of us, and that must be good, too, right?  On this topic I am not feeling nervous or worried, but it is funny to note that this is just one more thing that could lead to the eventual losing of my mind as a parent 😉

Day 86: The Temptation of Comparing Your Child to Others

Pappa on LeaveLeave a comment

Fortunately we have been meeting more and more people with little ones near the same age as our little guy.  This led to a few nice meet-ups, and today we had our first big play date.  It was so fun to see a group of babies in ages from 6,5 months (our little guy was the youngest) up to 8,5 months playing and crawling around.

Two months is a really long time in the development of babies.  To a baby, crawling, understanding their name when called, and a variety of other small but interesting things are a big deal.  So, when you are meeting with a bunch of other children around the same age cluster, you start to compare in your head.  You ask questions to the older baby’s parents, like, “when did your little one start to crawl?” (and then you make a mental note of it and secretly make plans to push your little one’s development so they can be “on schedule” with the competition other babies.)

The thing is, you cannot push the development of a baby.  They are going to develop one way or another at their own pace.  Sure, you should do all the important things with them (play good games with them, read to them, talk to them, and so on), but it appears that aside from giving the baby love and attention to set them up with the right environment, their development is really up to them, and it is really up to them with regard to when they will hit one phase or another.  While your little one may be ahead in some things, they may be behind in others, and it is all perfectly normal and nothing to freak out about (see my post from yesterday).

Unfortunately, even though I knew all of this, I still got a little freaked out with all the barely-older babies crawling around so actively, while our little guy was just sitting there playing very near to us – a little momma and daddy’s boy.  Was this ok?  Is he on the right path in his development?  We talked about it on the walk home, we were worried, as good caring parents should be, right?  Then, after the little guy was in bed, I brought out one of my favorite parenting books, “The New Father” by Armin A. Brott.  It confirmed to me that the little guy is right on track with his development – and even a bit ahead in the intellectual stuff (you like how I threw that in there, just to make sure you know he IS advanced after all?) 😉

I have written about this topic before on day 25, and I suspect I will write about it again – the role of a parent seems to filled with continual concern about these things.  After all, we want our children to be awesome, to be ahead of the curve.  These little milestones reassure us that we are good parents, and that we are doing the right things, and that our children are going to be OK, and they will make it in the world.  The frustrating thing for people like me who like to “get things done” is that we cannot hurry development – we cannot force it, we just have to let things go as they should.

So, today was a reminder not to be so hard on myself.  To look at those baby smiles and listen to the pure joy in the laughter when we play, and to simply appreciate the time that we are in right now.  Things will be as they will be, and it will all be just fine.

Day 85: The CTFD Method

Pappa on LeaveLeave a comment

My wife and I both occasionally get passionate about our particular approach to raising the little guy.  We are 94% on the same page, but it’s those last 6% that are not as fun.  Right now as the little guy is going into eating solids, there is some disagreement between the two of us about how to get him there, and rather than coming to a unified agreement we are for some reason stuck in a cold-war style resolution pattern.

A friend of mine sent this to me today randomly, and I thought it was the perfect message to pass along to all those other parents out there who sometimes take it all too seriously: The CTFD Method.  It stands for Calm The F*ck Down, and basically it is a funny way of pointing out that everything will be just fine, relax, don’t get all worked up about things. It was published first by David Vienna a few years ago, and now he has a pretty funny website called thedaddycomplex.  Check it out, laugh a little, and don’t forget to take it easy on yourself and your partner – it will all be fine. 🙂

Day 84: Hong Kong Affordable Art Fair

Pappa on LeaveLeave a comment

Today we had the pleasure of going as a family to the Hong Kong Affordable Art Fair.  This is a traveling fair where dealers from around the world can come with their art and sell it.  I have been to it in Stockholm and also now in Hong Kong, and they have them in many other cities around the world.  The art ranges in price from maybe around 1500 HKD (1600 SEK, 200 USD) to 100 000 HKD (115 000 SEK, or 13 700 USD) for more well known artists like Damien Hirst.  At the show, there is everything from photography to paintings and sculptures.  A lot of the art there is a bit higher than our definition of “affordable”, but it is fun to go nonetheless.

We did walk away with a few good works, so we are pumped because now our decorations for our apartment here are somewhat complete.  I am most excited by some works by South Korean artist Jung Ji-Hyun.  The artist uses layers of paper on top of canvas to create the structural element to the paintings, and then paints all the people on top with acrylic.  He’s from the same place in South Korea as the Hyundai factory, so apparently the work is a bit of a commentary on factory life.  These works are very similar in feel to Norwegian artist Pushwagner, but more clean and with less color.  To me this is ironic given the Scandinavian sense of clean design and art, but it’s fine for me.  Anyway, Jung Ji-Hyun is an up-and-coming artist who is already in a few museums and has done well in some auctions, and I also noticed his work was at Art Basel Miami, which is awesome.

one of our two new works by Jung Ji-Hyung, called "we run to pattern (premason 3)"
one of our two new works by Jung Ji-Hyung, called “we run to pattern (premason 3)”

The other artist we found was a British guy named Orson Kartt.  Apparently this guy goes by another name in real life and is playing on the sound of the name.  If you say it with British English, it sounds like “horse and cart”.  Oh, those British and their sense of humor ;P  Anyway, we found a lovely series by this guy, and were happy to come home with 2 pieces from him as well.  The great thing is that all pieces are unique because the book page behind the print is a real book page.  Many follow a Shakespeare theme and all are really witty.  One I kind of liked was “Two Bees or Not Two Bees” (two bees printed on a page of Hamlet).  Really cool things and very affordable, so we bought a pair.

orson kartt "what was the question"
orson kartt “what was the question”

Even if you do not buy any art, it is always worth going to these kind of events if you can – simply because it is interesting to see what the art world is throwing out there.  For example did you know that there are a lot of beaches and a lot of bookshelves being featured in art right now?  And skulls.  It was a fun day to go out, see what was going on, and spend some time together as a family enjoying the art.  See if the next Affordable Art Fair is coming to you by checking their website here!

Day 83: Upsides of Spring Rain

Pappa on LeaveLeave a comment

In Hong Kong, it has been very rainy lately.  When it rains here, it is usually in the following sequence:  cloudy, light mist, a little misc. rain, light rain, HEAVY RAIN!  So, you usually have about 3,5 seconds to prepare yourself once the light rain starts.  And if you have a child in a stroller, that “prepare yourself” means getting the rain cover for the stroller out and putting it on, making sure the little one is OK, and then getting your umbrella out while your back is getting soaked.

Although it rains a lot here, the non-European expats and the locals seem in general to not be used to it.  They are freaked out by it (tons of warnings issued all the time on the local weather service – so many it is hard to take any of them seriously), and they will not go anywhere.  Similar to the neurotic outlook about the air quality, only with rain.   So if you have any plans, and it is rainy, there is a good chance a lot of people will bail out on those plans.  They must all be made of sugar 😉

When it is this rainy, there is one major benefit: the temperature.  Not only is it cooler from these storm fronts coming thru, but there is also a nice breeze, and the mist and rain actually feel nice.  We are talking a drop from 30+ degrees to around 23 degrees, and this is significant.  On top of that there is no sun to worry about.  So, when I go out for walk #1 at around 7:30, it is invigorating and uplifting – as opposed to coming back exhausted and sweating as if I ran a marathon thru the Sahara Desert.  The storms also drop the humidity levels from unbearable to not-as-unbearable-but-still-enough-to-give-you-bad-hair, so while all the locals and non-European expats are hiding, me, the little guy, and my new European friends are really enjoying this rainy spell.  After all, you can’t stop living just because of the weather. 🙂

Day 82:  I am a Stay At Home Parent, Not a Stay at Home Dad

Pappa on Leave4 Comments

As a man staying at home with our little guy, it’s been interesting and wonderful to meet others in the same situation.  There is little variation – 100% if those new friends I have made are moms.  There are dads out there too, but I have not yet found them.

A new friend asked me yesterday if there is anything that other people say or do that makes it difficult as a stay at home dad.  I told her the main one is people assuming I don’t know my child and his needs, or that I am not informed in general (after all, dads are clueless, right?).

This question got me thinking later in the day.  Who cares if I am a stay at home dad, or if someone is a stay at home mom?  Aren’t we both parents, who have made the decision to stay home to take care of our children?  Who cares if I am a man, if the woman next to me is a woman, aren’t we both equally capable of caring for our little ones?

We all live in an international community worldwide working on recognizing the equality of men and women, in all things.  I believe in this equality without exception – there is no way a reasonable person could say a man is a less tuned in parent than the mother, any more than they could say that women can’t work in business.  It’s these archaic stereotypes that bother me – when will we learn to just get over the gender divide, and own up to the equality we all share, regardless of gender, race, class, or any other separating factor?

In graduate school one key element I studied was the concept of “hegemony”.  This term is often misused by mainstream media who don’t understand it.  Hegemony is a power asserted not by force, but creatively, almost under he radar through accepted norms.  There is no leader, there is no hegemonic monarch – it’s simply the accepted norm of popular culture.  One way hegemonic mainstream power dynamics operate is to marginalize the non-hegemonically dominant groups – and one way of doing this is to label everyone except for the dominant group, and to celebrate those groups.  That would mean in essence, “international women’s day” actually serves to keep pushing women into a lower position (otherwise if there truly was equality, why would there be a need for it?).  And the same goes for all the other non-normative groups – which in my case applies to the label of “stay at home dad”.  Why the label that divides us?  Why classify and stereotype my character based on my gender?  What is the assumption that comes with that label – that I couldn’t find a job in Hong Kong (not true), that my wife made more money so we had to do it this way (also not true) – and more important, why does it matter?

So I am making a call out to all the stay at home parents – we are stay at home parents – let’s come together to be parents.  We are made up of mothers, fathers, and maybe aunts, uncles, and other family members – our gender does not matter, it does not matter why we are home with our little ones – we are home with them, we care about them, and together we can work to stop the gender divide for our children.  It starts with us.

Day 81: Podcasts while Walking

Pappa on LeaveLeave a comment

I take the little guy on at least two 1,5 hour walks a day if we are just hanging out in Discovery Bay, or if we go on a task in Hong Kong or Kowloon, we are out all day.  During that time, if the little guy is strapped into the Baby Bjorn, I try to talk to him and keep him involved, but not nonstop (nobody, not even a baby, wants to be talked to nonstop).  And if we are using the stroller, it’s not so easy to talk.

I have a few options: listen to music, listen to books, listen to podcasts, or just think about things. I like listening to music, but try to do that at home with the little guy (he’s on a Billy Joel kick right now).  I also like listening to books, but a good one can be around 36 hours – that’s a big commitment of time and focus.  I am a “thinker”, so thinking about things is good, but it can go down the wrong path of “over thinking” easily if I am not careful.  Enter the podcast.

I missed the memo about 5 years ago when podcasts were at the peak of their popularity.  So, I had no idea about them at all until I was talking with my brother and asked him if he had any books to recommend, and he suggested a few podcasts.  I didn’t know what it was, so he explained it and I just started looking around on the podcasts app on my iphone.

For those of you who are not into podcasts, they are basically like listening to radio shows.  Yes, with all of our technological advances, we have evolved back to 1940, and the radio show is still a popular medium.  They come out every few days or every week, depending on the podcast.  Some are serials, some are comedy, there are a lot of interviews/talk shows, and there are also topic-specific podcasts (investing, sports, etc.).  Most range from 30 min – 1 hour.  I have found a few that I really like:

  • Stuff You Should Know: Just 2 guys talking about a variety of topics that they have researched, ranging from “cinnamon” to “how jetlag works”, and everything in-between.
  • Mike and Tom Eat Snacks:  Yep, it’s just what it sounds like.  2 guys talking about random things for the first 1/2 of the episode and then finally eating and reviewing a specific snack.  Very funny.
  • Topics:  Also 2 guys, talking about random things, but they are comedians and they talk about a chosen topic in a way that is funny because their approach is clearly done in a way to mock people who try to sound deep.
  • Stuff You Missed in History Class:  2 women talking about interesting topics from history.

So, when the little guy and I are out for a walk, or on a task around town, I will put in the earphones and listen to few podcasts.  The ones that are funny are entertaining, but do not really help me get any smarter on this time as a stay at home dad, so I am finding myself gravitating towards the Stuff You Should Know and similar podcasts to help me keep on growing.  Gotta keep moving forward mentally while I am at home with the little guy, right?! 🙂

Day 80: Ordering Furniture from China

Pappa on LeaveLeave a comment

As we have settled in more to our place in Discovery Bay, it was time for us to get a new TV stand.  I’ve mentioned before that we have a policy now of buying better pieces of furniture (and clothing, etc.) that will last longer, instead of buying cheap stuff with a “disposable” mindset.  But also important is not to simply waste your money and buy things because they are expensive – sometimes you can find nice things at a good price, too, right?

My wife is a regular user of Taobao, a chinese website similar to Alibaba, where you can buy things directly from the factory.  This site is in 100% Chinese characters, no tabs to select English, and no communication in English either.  So, my wife uses google translate and the occasional help from her colleagues to buy little things that are lower risk (that said, there is still a high risk in general of using them – ex: sent money, but no product delivered).

She has gotten a bit more adventurous, and decided to look for our new TV stand there since we have not had any luck finding the right thing in Hong Kong.  We found one that fit our taste, and then after communicating to make sure they deliver to Hong Kong, my wife and I talked about if we should take the risk.  It looks nice on Taobao, but as we all know, the end product might always be a little different than what the picture shows when you order online, and/or we simply might never receive it.  Including shipping, it was about 3000 HKD (3200 sek, 385 USD), and about 35% of that was the shipping charge.  So we took the risk.

How did it work out?  We were contacted yesterday morning that we would have the delivery in the afternoon, and sure enough, we had our TV stand delivered.  It came in a huge wood crate, packed very well, and it was very heavy – a good sign with furniture.  And sure enough, it is 100% solid oak.  Even the inside and the back are oak – not one element of it is cheap.  It is well made and I am pumped about this purchase, because it would have been x3 to x4 the cost if we had purchased it in Hong Kong from a store here.  We just might buy a bunch of things from these guys before we go back to Sweden and leave them crated up for the journey in the 1/2 container we get to move back with.   😉

solid oak tv stand ordered online from china
solid oak tv stand ordered online from china

Day 79: How do You Keep Routines when the Baby is Changing?

Pappa on LeaveLeave a comment

Lately the little guy has been waking up at a different time, bright eyed and ready to go.  The old sleep routine was: 8-2 (feed), then 2-5 (feed), then 5-6:30 or 7 until he was awake, and then feed at 8 and the day is going.  But now he is skipping that last sleep.  So, that means some adjustments for both me and my wife, and it challenges the routines we thought we had for him.

According to a lot of sources, it is super important to keep some sort of routines for your baby.  These routines help them feel a sense of being grounded and know what to expect, and will give the parents a little predictability (read more about it at babycenter).  I also listened to a podcast about “temper tantrums” (SUPER interesting, from Stuff You Should Know), and while temper tantrums are unavoidable (because there is a part of the brain that helps you realize when you are being unreasonable that does not even start developing until you are 4 years old), if you have routines, they will be less often and less severe.

I think if you are a person trying to follow some routines with your baby, above all, you want to remember to listen to their needs and pay attention to what they are telling you.  Make the routines around the little one’s needs while at the same time not stopping your flow of life because of the routine (ex, if you feed at 10:00 in the morning and you are asked to meet someone for a coffee at 10:00, still feed them at that time, or maybe try a 9:45 feeding).  And the routines should be flexible, because as we all know, life is not a square box.  Some people make such rigid routines that if the little one does not have things exactly the same every day they freak out.  And on the other side of the coin, some people have such a lack of routines that their little one is also freaking out (apparently those freak outs are because they have a primal worry: no routine = not knowing if the next meal is coming).  Why not find somewhere in the middle, right?

The challenge that I have found, especially now, is that the routines we have with the little guy are constantly needing to be revised.  So if he is up and going 5 now, and he eats every 3 hours, followed by a 30-45 minute nap, then that means that the times of day have shifted from when he was up and going at 7:00.  I should note that it does not matter if we put him to bed at 7 or 10, he will still wake up at 5:00.

So the way I am answering the question of “how do you keep routines when the baby is changing?” is this: it is not the actual time of day that needs to be routine, but what you do with the blocks of time from nap-to-nap, and at bedtime.  So, if we have a routine of going for a walk in the morning, and I used to do that at around 8:30, after he was up for 1,5-2 hours, now that walk happens at 6:30-7:00.  The time does not matter, it’s the routine of “morning = walk”.  Or more importantly is bedtime – it’s not really 7:30 that must be bedtime, but instead, it’s “at bedtime we do X, Y, and Z.”

This approach should allow us to have the flexibility to adapt when he grows out of the times we were using, while still keeping a routine for the little guy.  Of course in a perfect world, he would stick to the times that we like to have, and we will still push for some kind of regularity, but I guess above all, it’s all about flexibility.