We had an early evening flight (connecting in Munich), so we had some time to enjoy another gorgeous day in Stockholm before leaving for the airport. It is so nice to walk around to our neighborhood and our favorite parts of town before the long journey home.
Next time I post we will be back in Hong Kong, assuming the passengers don’t kill us for bringing a very active and vocal 9-month-old baby on the airplane 😉
Now we are back in Stockholm, and off we go into the air again tomorrow as a family back to Hong Kong. The summer was great in Sweden and Norway, so I am glad we were able to come back and enjoy it and see family and friends.
My wife and I are excited to get back into a rhythm. This means amongst other things, my getting to be around other parents with babies, and the little guy playing with those babies and getting that well-needed baby social time. But also, just having routines and a “regular” life that is not defined by living out of a suitcase and asking “when does the train/airplane leave tomorrow?” or “where do we sleep tomorrow night?”
So, we have loaded our bags with things to bring back, which is mainly baby food and formula, and a new group of clothes for the little guy while we leave behind his “too small” clothes. You know things are expensive in Hong Kong when you think that things are cheap in Sweden. Let’s just hope that the little guy’s new affinity for crawling everywhere and “talking” loudly does not create a travel experience that is too stressful for us and the other travelers.
As many of you already know, my son has just turned 9 months old. I’ve mentioned that he has been revered by many for having such a good personality. He laughs a lot at many different things, and he generally likes to smile and laugh.
Laughing at something he does, and playing jokes on me and his mom has become more and more common. For example, he will put his pacifier up to our mouth for us to take it, and then pull it away and laugh. Or he will crawl up to us very quickly, and then plant a big kiss (sometimes with teeth – also known as a bite) on our face. Or he will crawl quickly away from us and look back mischievously and laugh.
Tonight when I was feeding him, he did something else he thought was funny. I should note that he also did this yesterday, but I thought it was a one-time thing. He does a lot of one-time things that he thinks are funny. Tonight, just like last night, he paused from eating, then pushed out a loud fart, and then laughed about it. Seriously.
Of course I couldn’t help but laugh too, because he thought it was so funny, but I’ve gotta make sure that I don’t laugh about it anymore in the future, or it will continue and it will go from being cute and funny to embarrassing very quickly. So we enter a new era of his self awareness, the connection of his mind to his body – and the gas within it.
Today was a gorgeous day in Oslo. The sun was shining and it felt like that beautiful summer weather that you dream about during the winter (or if you live in brutally hot and humid Hong Kong). So, we went out for a long walk, and then we ended up going to the park.
The park we went to is called “Frognerparken”, and it has numerous sculptures by Gustav Vigeland. These are nudes of men, women, and children that are famous in Norway, so of course the park in parts is filled with tourists.
In addition to the main area with the sculptures, the park has many nice green spaces, so you can easily find a spot to hang out in the sun or shade and enjoy the day. The little guy and I found a great spot in the shade and played around. It was fantastic.
I definitely recommend this park to anyone visiting Oslo who wants some time away from the other tourist stuff. See some photos below! 
Today me and the little guy went to a playgroup at the Swedish church in Oslo. It goes every week on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 13:00-16:00 at Margaretakyrkan Oslo.
At the playgroup, it is pretty flexible for the first 30 minutes – when people are arriving. The babies are playing around, the parents are sitting with them, and it’s full of energy, just like the playgroups I have gone to many times in Hong Kong.
Then, at 13:30, the door closes, and it’s time to sing! And sure enough, the songs that I have heard my wife singing, but always suspected were not real, were sung by everyone. The weird part to me was that this went on for 30 minutes, and the majority of the perfect Swedish babies of all ages just sat there mesmerized by the singing.
Meanwhile, the little guy wanted to go explore and was not too thrilled at the thought of sitting there while I tried to mumble thru the Swedish version of Itsy Bitsy Spider. So off he went, crawling around, to which I think many of the parents thought “check out this dad who can’t control his kid – and did you hear his Swedish?!”
After the singing, it meant that 1 hour had gone by since the start of the playgroup. If you know Swedes, you know this means it is time for a Fika! Get out the cinnamon rolls, peppers/cheese//cucumbers/bread for sandwiches, and coffee, it’s time for a break! So, off the parents went to get their snack and socialize. Meanwhile I realized it was neither time for me eat anything, nor for the little guy to snack, so we kept playing – after all, going to this was so he could get some exercise.
During the fika (about 1 hour), some of the babies couldn’t stand sitting in the baby chairs for any longer, and they were released to the floor to play. This meant that eventually around me and the little guy was a circle if stray children, possibly wondering why it was that I, an adult, was not sitting with the adults drinking coffee and taking about news, but instead was on the floor pulling a Brio duck (and also an awesome Brio turtle, too).
All-in-all I would probably recommend this playgroup to those who live in Oslo, or those who speak Swedish and are visiting. But for us who are used to a little more open and welcoming playgroups that they have in Hong Kong, also looking for a more international approach, was not the perfect fit. It was a good experience nonetheless!
Yes, that’s right! The little guy is reading already. Ok, maybe not reading, exactly, but the last few days, he has been reaching for the page in the book to turn the page when I read to him. When he turns the page, it is at the right time in the story in this specific book, and it is as if he is genuinely interested in what is on the next page.
About 3 weeks ago he was looking under the book when it was time to turn the page, as if trying to figure out where the pages came from. So it’s really cool to see this developmental evolution. Really cool! 🙂
The last weeks, the little guy has become increasingly mobile. He loves to crawl around and explore, and usually does so while he tries to carry a ball, toy, or found item with him. While he has enjoyed standing for a while now, he has just today started doing a funny thing.
When he is standing, he will purposely drop down onto his butt. For example if he is in the travel baby bed we borrowed (made by Baby Bjorn, super awesome), he will pull himself up so he is standing, and then he will let go with his hands, and of course micro-seconds later, he has landed on his butt. He laughs about this, and while laughing, he then crawls back up into position, and the whole thing starts all over again. He can do this over and over again, like it’s an amusement park ride and there is no line to wait in.
Of course at first I thought, “doesn’t that hurt?” Then I realized that not only does he have the padding from the diaper and the bed if he is in there, but it is not a very far fall. Additionally, he basically has little tumbles all the time when he is playing anyway, so doing a “controlled fall” must be kind of novel to him.
I think he is learning about balance and is in the beginning stages of learning to stand up: letting go and falling –> letting go and standing short term by learning what makes him not fall –> letting go and standing long term. It’s fascinating how quickly these things come and go, and it’s crazy to imagine that in only 3 months he might already be in the beginning stages of walking.
Today we had a great time hanging out with some friends in Oslo who have a nice yard, with great fruit-producing plants everywhere. There were raspberries (red and white), currant, gooseberries bordering the garden, while apple and pear trees provided nice shade. This environment, when adding some young children to the mix who are running around enjoying the beautiful weather, lends itself perfectly to grilling hotdogs for lunch. Apparently Norwegians love their hotdogs, which I think are called “pølse.”
The hotdogs here are long, so if you put one on a hotdog bun, it will go off both sides by a few inches. It’s like that in Sweden too, like the buns stayed 1950’s size, while the hotdogs evolved to match our increasingly large appetites. There was another option besides the bun: “lompe.”
This is a potato flatbread that you can use for a lot of different things, including putting cheese in. So, it’s kind of like a Norwegian tortilla. Anyway, I learned you can wrap it around your hotdog, essentially making a hotdog burrito. You put typical hotdog stuff that you would put on a bun, it’s just that now it’s wrapped in a tortilla-like structure. For those of you who know “lefse”, the main difference between the two is lefse can be a little thicker, and you mainly put sugary stuff on lefse (like sugar and cinnamon, on top of butter).
One of my favorite Swedish street foods is the “tonnbrodsrulle”, which is a wheat flatbread filled with a sausage (or hotdog), mashed potatoes, ketchup, mustard, lettuce, and shrimp salad (if you are lucky). So this is kind of similar, just without the extra bit that adds more life to it. Lompe has a bit more subtle flavor that would probably disappear with too many conflicting flavors added – so let’s just say less is more with the lompe hotdog.
There is only one show I really enjoy watching, and I watch it weekly with my wife: The Bachelor (including The Bachelorette and Bachelor in a Paradise). I like it because in a silly and romantic way, I hope for the contestants to find the love that the show promises, and I like watching it like a televised sociology experiment. Crazy things could happen in those circumstances to even the most normal people, so it is fascinating.
There is another reason I like watching The Bachelor franchise. The social commentary. I read a bunch of the blogs who do recaps, and I now also listen to some podcasts. I feel like I share the sense of humor with the people who comment about the show. The interest everyone has is genuine, but there’s a little irony in how it’s reported and talked about, as if nobody really wants to admit they love it all, but if they go overboard in their analysis or coverage of it, it will make it ok – so it’s all a little campy I guess. Maybe this is how “treckies” started out.
There are 3 podcasts I can recommend to anyone who wants to enjoy The Bachelor related shows to the fullest (listen after you watch the episode, and you will find yourself saying, “I know!” and “exactly, what was he/she thinking?!!”) It’s oddly fun.
Here To Make Friends: By two writers at Huffington Post, and with a new guest every week. This podcast claims to explore things from a feminist perspective – that’s actually what drew me to it at first because I have a gender studies background. I was disappointed by this angle because at times they sound more like two first year university students who have taken one women’s studies class and don’t understand the full body of feminist scholarship well enough to do what they claim to do. You know what I’m talking about. I think they have gotten better than they were at first, so now I enjoy it. Episodes are 30-40 min long usually. Check it out here
The Bachelor Podcast; Accept These Bros: by a group of 4 or 5 friends who either choose to watch or watch because their significant other watches. This is actually surprisingly insightful and more forgiving than the above podcast. They don’t really rag on anyone too much, and are pretty forgiving of the contestants. I like these guys, and enjoy their different perspectives. They treat it a bit like guys often treat sports – for example there was a draft of the guy contestants last season of The Bachelorette. Usually it is a bit longer than 1 hour. Check it out here
The Bachelor Pod: by 2 married couples talking about the show. I have only listened to one episode, but it was fun to listen to, even if they got off topic more than once. They all contribute in a meaningful way and add their own perspective that also gets more personal than the other podcasts about things like who is attractive and what kind of person they think a contestant is. A bit more crass than the others I have listened to, but that crassness also comes with some honest commentary that you would like to hear sometimes. Episodes are longer than 1 hour here, too. Check it out here
So there you go! I not only admit to the world that I watch a reality tv show and love it, but I take it one step further and suggest to you what podcasts to listen to in order to enhance your own watching experience. I guess it’s everyone’s lucky day!
Every year for the last 19 years, at the end of July / early August, I give a slight private nod to an event that marked the beginning of my adult life. Typically people grow out of their up through adolescence and go out on their own and learn about the hardships of life – for me it was a bit more abrupt. I think of it as the end of the “rose-colored glasses”, when you learn that life can be tough and more unfair and confusing than you ever knew it could be. Basically I’m referring to the end of innocence and naivety. Learning to keep on going, keep on moving with optimism and a positive outlook was a necessity for me very quickly. Things will always get better, no-matter how dark the time is that you are in.
When I was 16, there was a group of us friends who hung out. It was the summer, so we were all on our way to or from something, and one day a few of us decided to go camping. I spent the day with one friend, talking as friends do about everything and nothing, preparing for the camping trip.
He had arranged for some beer at the campsite, which was/is not legal for 16-year-olds. We went and did more errands, and when we came back to the site, his father had been there and had moved the beer – he did this to say, “hey, don’t drink.” He didn’t remove it, he just moved it and put it away. Upon our return my friend moved it back again to where it was in the cooler, and then when we came back, his father was there and he was not happy. He told him the camping trip was not happening for him that night, and that instead he would be grounded for a while. Grounded as a term in this context is not some “go sit in your room” thing, it would have equaled more of the hard, manual farm labor he always had to do, but without any of the already limited social time he would have had.
My friends and I met up with him that evening at his stepfather’s house, and he was pretty bummed. We talked about it as 16-year-old’s would, and when we left, he said, “see you when I’m done being grounded.”
3 hours later, my parents woke me up. “Hey, come on, get up.” I said, “Huh? Why?” They said, “Your friend shot himself.” I said, “What? We better get going to the hospital.” They said, “No, he died. We need to go to his parents’ place.”
So, we arrived and my other friend who also was there at the very end of the day caught up to me and we started crying immediately. We walked into the house, and the family all sat there still in shock, looking at us like we were being ridiculous. They asked if there was any indicator of why this happened, and I told them about him being bummed about being grounded for the rest of the summer, and his father told me “people don’t kill themselves because they are grounded.” Of course this was true – or maybe not.
During that day before, which ended up being his last day alive, when me and him were talking, we talked about the future in general. He wanted to go to college or the army, but his father wanted him to stay and take care of the farm. The farm was going to be his future, and he did not want it. That feeling of being trapped in a future that he did not want is probably why he killed himself, but since he did not leave a note, we will never know.
Also during that day, he asked me, “If you were going to kill yourself, how would you do it?” I said I didn’t know, and he told me he would use a .22 to the heart. That is how he did it. It took me 13 years to quit blaming myself for his death, because after all, that “how would you kill yourself?” question is a major warning sign. I guess I should have stopped and said, “dude, are you ok? if you are asking that question it means you are thinking about it, so let’s talk about it.” Of course if I had probably said that he would have told me to quit being a pansy and lighten up. That’s the kind of guy he was. But I did blame myself for not “stopping” it.  People can tell you, “you could not have prevented it, he would have done it eventually anyway” all they want, but you do not believe it in your heart until you just let it go. Not letting go of the idea that you could have prevented it, but you are letting go of the responsibility for someone else’s actions. In other words, the actions of someone who commits suicide are not your responsibility. He was a big boy, he made a decision to end his life, and that’s that.
In the days, weeks, and months following, I was one of the “strong ones” in the group, trying to be there for everyone, but I was not there for myself. I did not seek the help I should have. I was told after 1 month to “get over it”, and despite attempts of the small community and school to be supportive, when the help faded is when I needed it the most. For the most part I could not let go of the guilt I felt for not preventing this death, and as mentioned above, it took many years for me to move on. I kept my faith and realized I can learn from what I experienced – keep on learning, growing, learning, growing, and so on (that’s also my life philosophy). I worked hard to fill my soul with an ocean of optimism and positivity, and continue to do so. Not the fluffy “positive” than shows up and disappears (which is still good – any positivity is better than none), but a positivity that flows deep inside of me. If you couple this with a heightened sense of genuine empathy after this happened, you have an idea of who I am.
This year, when I gave my annual “nod” to this event in my life, it had more meaning. I have a son now. How do I approach this event in my life with him?  I do not want to pass the trauma of the experience on to him. I noticed yesterday on the train how much I enjoyed playing and laughing with him – no worries, just joy. I want that to stay as long as possible.
So, I guess what I will do is continue to be the loving, caring father that I am, and when the time is right, later in life, I will tell him the story of how this event happened and what it meant for me. The story will not be “look how lucky you are”, the story will be just a story, so he understands who I am, and will have a little more insight into why I am the way I am.
Everyone has tough stuff that they go through, so I do not think I am unique in having a hard life experience. Some people pass their hard experiences on, and the child is therefore also traumatized by an experience they did not have – to me, it does not seem fair to the child. To me, the worst thing I can do is pass the “wound” of an experience on to him. Maybe if I pass on the positive elements, then it is not passing on the “scar”, but passing on the benefits I have had from the experience.  After all, what happened is just a fading scar by now, but just because I have a scar does not mean I have to give it to the little one, too.
A Father on Pappa Leave 