Author: Pappa on Leave

Day 39: Work Withdrawal and A Few Other Thoughts

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Today my wife went back to work after an extra long Easter weekend.  It was really nice to have her home, and now it is “back to normal” with her at work and the little guy home with me.  My parents are still here so we are not totally alone, and it is great that he has his grandparents to get to know, and that they can get to see him and interact with him during this fun period of life that he is in.

As my wife got ready to go to work this morning, I felt myself with a little “tug” from that side of me that loves to work.  I’ve mentioned in an earlier post how much work in general means to me, but today it was that “off to work” feeling that I was missing.  It’s that feeling of going off to the day where you will be setting and achieving goals, looking at the big picture, seeing trends and making adjustments to self-improve, having a sense of purpose that can be tied to measurable results and the sense of “a job well done” that comes with it, and on and on.

I know, I know, having a child that I am taking care of is much more important than work, and what I am doing by staying home with the little guy is super important for his overall development and growth during this early age.  It’s not that I am wishing I was off to work today.  It’s just a little “work withdrawal” hanging over my head.  For someone who has always been career-focused, it is no surprise that this would happen, and will happen again in the future, so it’s no big deal, especially if I don’t make a big deal of it.  I have a few things I can do to make sure I am not letting the work withdrawal turn into “stay at home blues”:

  • Stay “plugged in” to the world – follow the news, read business articles, industry publications, and especially read articles that challenge my mind
  • Give myself daily tasks / errands – this gives a sense of purpose
  • Find a community of people who are in the same position and connect to them (this is something I have not done here in HK yet, but will happen when my parents are no longer here)
  • Watch an occasional documentary – it helps you learn and helps you stay sharp
  • Pick a baby-friendly hobby that has nothing to do with babies.  For example photography – if you like photography, then make this something you do, and when you go out for walks, snap some photos
  • If you like to write, start a blog 😉
  • Laugh, a lot.  Laugh when the little one does something funny, read funny things, watch the occasional funny youtube video.

It’s not easy to stay at home with a child.  Anyone who thinks it is easy should try it for longer than a few days or a few months.  Leave your job, and be there when your wife goes to work, and sit there in the empty house with your baby, saying, “ok, now it’s just me and you, little guy.”  To me, as someone who is on leave from a multifaceted, high-stress, high-pace, high-responsibility job, with only one child who is now almost 5 months old, it’s not the actual tasks of staying at home with the baby that are the hardest part – it’s the change of pace, the change in mental stimulation.  The career things that were  fulfilling to you before are no longer there to fulfill you.

So, you have to find new things, and if you do it right, those new things will be the things you look to for fulfillment in the years to come, so that when you go back to work, it is those things that are rewarding to you, and not work (this is something that my wife is good at, and most Swedes in general are way better at than me).  If you don’t find some things that in your current situation that will keep your mind challenged and that you can find rewarding in another way than work, you risk walking down a dark path to being a depressed stay at home dad – this is something that is super common.

Above all, take it easy on yourself and your wife/partner – and if you feel like your wife is not taking it easy on you, tell her.  The two of you are in this together, right?  For me, it is important that I feel respected now as the primary care giver of the child, but I also must respect that my wife wants and needs to be heard when it comes to her concerns on raising the child.  It’s not easy.  Being in a relationship takes work on it’s own, and parenting is not easy, and I think a lot of people get so focused on the child and the parenting that they don’t focus on each other’s needs.  “You and her” do not end just because there is a baby there – it is both “you and her” and “you, her, and the baby.”

So, back to the topic of “work withdrawal” – there are really a lot of factors that can make you have these feelings, and there are ways to deal with them so they do not become toxic.  I think it is normal up to a certain point to have an element of work withdrawal, but then it is up to you to take control and find other ways to feel that fulfillment, and to deal with things if it is going in the wrong direction, or you are left with a hole that cannot be filled.  Also, remember that missing working does not mean that you do not love your child or that you are second-guessing your decisions to stay home.  I love the little guy more than anything, and I am 100% glad with the decision to take parental leave and stay at home with him, but yet I can still have these occasional feelings where I miss work.  It would be weird if I didn’t, I think.  Above all, I think it’s about keeping your mind and body active – do things and get out there into the world with the baby (which is good for the baby, too, by the way), but also keep your mind active, and don’t forget you have a captive audience to share ideas with: our little guy is a great listener 😉

Day 38: Exercises for the Stay at Home Dad?

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A friend sent me a link to the image below.  Not sure if it would be good for either one of us – me in the outfit with the shaved head and facial hair, little guy being thrown around. 😉

found at: http://www.artofmanliness.com/2014/12/08/baby-exercise-equipment/
find it at the original site by clicking on the photo or go to: http://www.artofmanliness.com/2014/12/08/baby-exercise-equipment/

Day 37: Diapers

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I would think that in 2015, there would be a few things that we have figured out.  One would be how to make stickers that do not leave sticky residue on the spot they were on (and then give them for free to Ikea to use).  Another would be how to make a diaper that a baby can sleep thru the night without the pajamas being wet in the morning or without the bed becoming wet.

I say this because our little guy can pee through even with the most expensive Pampers Super Duper Premium Take-Out-A-Loan-Before-You-Change-Each-Diaper diapers.  He is not literally peeing through them – after all, they do “absorb” it, but there is no way he can make it thru the night and be dry (as they advertise).  And, we are finding that since he rolls onto his side in the night, somehow his back and side get wet, so we have to change the sheet in the middle of the night.  As you have probably guessed, it is not very fun to do this at 2:30 in the morning.

Of course you have to make sure all the “technology” on the diaper is firmly in place if you want the diaper to work right.  Those “ruffles” along the edges of the legs must be ruffled out, and not tucked into the leg (especially a potential problem if he poops), and you really must make sure that everything inside the diaper is positioned correctly, too, or the diaper is useless.  So, when you change a diaper, what you are really doing is trying to align all the elements of a disposable high-tech piece of machinery.  And if you don’t do it right, you are going to end up at your luckiest with a wet onesie, and at the worst, a bit of a “situation” with poop everywhere.

In my long ago past, while in graduate school, I met the guy who invented the “strike zones” concept for the diaper industry – this is the idea that the diapers need the most absorbent materials where the waste comes out – of course, that makes sense, and it means a more flexible and less bulky diaper (otherwise all that absorbent stuff is thru the whole diaper).  So that’s pretty cool, right?  But the issue then is that the diaper does not have any absorbency in all the other places – like on the edges.  So if it gets twisted, or it isn’t tight enough, or the baby rolls onto their side while sleeping and gravity brings the pee to the side, then all that technology involved in the diaper is not going to do you much good.

We do not have a problem during the day, just at night – so, in the end, what we have decided to do is tighten the diaper a little more than usual and make sure the overlapping parts on the side are aligned as well as they can be.  If that doesn’t work, maybe we will have to attach some sponges to the sides.  Surely that will do the trick, right?

Day 36: Being Sick with a Baby

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My wife encountered a bout of the flu that hit her yesterday evening (thank God, not the Stomach Flu).  A few days prior to that I had some kind of weird cold or flu that made me really tired, irritable, and generally miserable – so I fear maybe I passed this along to her.  It is really not fun to be sick regardless, but if you are sick AND you have a baby, then it is double difficult.

It is extra hard because you have to still be alert, “on the ball”, and there for your baby’s needs, even if you are a little (or a lot) under the weather.  In addition, you do not want to get the baby sick.  So it is quite possibly more stressful than when you are healthy.  Even further, the baby will still wake up during the night (a baby doesn’t care when you are sick), so you don’t get that much-needed solid and deep sleep that is required to get healthy.  In other words, it just sucks in every way.

I feel especially bad for my wife, who is so concerned about the little guy that even during the night when she was on fire with fever (but told me she was freezing), she still needed to know he was OK, needed verification that he is still breathing thru the night, and still put him #1 on her list of concerns, way above herself and her needs.  That shows you how dedicated she is, how deep in her heart she truly does put the little guy #1, and why for her being sick is probably a version of horribleness I can’t describe.  Add into this that she is still breastfeeding, and she wants to make sure he is getting fed breast milk no-matter what, when surely it would be easier for me take him to give him some formula.

As the healthier of the two, it is my role to make sure my wife is taken care of with all the fluids and vitamins she needs, and to make sure that she does not have to worry about anything.  If I do my bit for her, she can rest fully, take it easy, and hopefully have a speedier recovery.  I am a little “cloudy” today as well, but it’s more important that my wife gets the rest she needs and that I do what I can to boost her recovery time.

If I am really honest with myself, I know that in the grand scheme of it all, at this moment in our little guy’s life, it would be her (the mother) whose health is most important for the baby.  I am staying at home taking care of him so of course my health is important too, but as long as she is breastfeeding the little guy, her health will be the priority – I say this as if I had to pick between us, of course the best would be that we are both healthy.  With her recovery in mind, today we (my parents, the little guy, and I) will go to Sham Sui Po market to get out of the house and give my wife the peace to rest.

Day 35: Seeing The Peak in Hong Kong

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As my parents are visiting and it’s their first trip to Hong Kong, there are a few “must see” things on the agenda.  There are tons of lists for tourist stuff, but one that is at the top of every list is going to The Peak, and catching the view of the harbor and Kowloon in the distance.

I’ve been there a few times before over the years – my first time it was really cloudy so there was not much of a view.  The last time we had clear blue skies and not a cloud in sight.  It has been really cloudy and hazy lately and the forecast doesn’t look much better for the coming week aside from today and tomorrow, so we thought we would go for it.  Perfect: cloudy with times where the sun broke through.  Great views, not too hot, and a slight breeze.  All around, it was awesome.

not a bad way to see the city
not a bad way to see the city

How do you get there?  You can do a few different options:

  • Take the bus #15 or minibus #1 from Central
  • Take the Peak Tram from Central (exit J, then walk thru the park and up the hill past St. John’s Cathedral)
  • Take a taxi

We took the tram and it was 83 HKD (about 88 SEK and 10 USD), and that included a round-trip tram ride and admission to the 360 degree viewing terrace.  The downside is the wait for the tram ride – we waited for over an hour to go up and over 30 minutes to come back down.  The ride itself is cool and it doesn’t take long, so that’s probably why everyone was doing the same thing – it’s all part of the experience of going to the peak.

Once at the peak, there are tons of shops and restaurants (more than I remembered from the past), so it is more of a day trip to a shopping and eating place that also has some great views than just a trip to a spot to take a photo.  For example when we arrived, we had some tea, then went to the viewing area, then ate at Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. (of course, this place is in tons of top tourist spots, so why not here too?!), then my mom bought a shirt at a shop, and then we left.  We could have done much more shopping, but somehow we were more focused on not getting stuck in line for another hour, and it was also getting very cloudy and dark.

And how did it go with the little guy?  If you read my earlier post about strangers and the baby, this would be an extension of that.  A lot of people were staring at him, especially when we were in line, and he was staring back and enjoying their company.  A lot of people were also taking photos of him and didn’t think we knew, and one guy even asked if he could take a selfie with him.  So, for some people, maybe he was even more popular than the views 😉

Day 34: Baby Suncare

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My wife and I have been getting concerned about how exactly to deal with the sun with the little guy.  

On the one hand, it is getting warm out, and for many reasons you don’t want to have your little baby getting hot (dehydration, for example, since you can’t just give him some water to drink).  On the other hand, the sun (even behind the clouds) can really do damage to that baby skin.  So what are you supposed to do? 

 Basically it appears that there are a few solid options for how to protect your baby from the sun while going out in the city: 

If you are going out with the stroller:

  • Make sure the stroller has a sun umbrella, use it, and remember to shift it when needed (ex: as you turn, you have to turn the umbrella)
    • Use the umbrella even if it is cloudy – cloudy times can damage the baby’s skin, too!
  • Put lightweight clothing on the baby – often the legs are exposed to the light more than the upper body, so don’t forget the pants
  • Have a light blanket handy to cover up if needed
  • A baby hat is nice to have especially if your baby does not want to not be completely on their own under the “canopy” of the stroller
  • Baby sunglasses are awesome to have.  If you don’t think they need it, look up at the sky for just 1 minute.  It’s bright, isn’t it?!

If you are going out with a baby carrier:

  • Long sleeve onesie (even if it is warm) to protect the arms
  • Baby sun hat is super important – protects their face, head, ears from the sun (and makes people smile to see 😉 )
  • Long pants would be a good idea, but that might get hot because they are absorbing body heat from you – light pants would be good nonetheless
  • Carry an umbrella that also protects from UV rays.  This one is key – even when it is cloudy, use an umbrella.  If you don’t think it matters, on a cloudy day, hold your hand up, and then with your other hand, see the difference under the hand or not.  Just remember your baby needs the coverage (and you can also benefit from the relief from the sun, too!)
  • Walk in the shade when you can.  In most cities, you can stay in the shade almost all the time by paying attention to where the sun is.  Buildings are tall, they make shade, so look for the “shady side of the street”, and walk there.
  • Take breaks by going into malls, stores, and supermarkets (places where there is air conditioning, basically)

Notice one key thing: apparently you cannot use sunblock on babies.  So, you have to make a choice: cover the baby, or damage their skin.  It’s really that simple – the baby getting exposure to UV rays is not going to be good for them. 

 For me, I find it all quite stressful.  As I told my wife, it feels like we can’t go out without danger to the baby if it is sunny, cloudy, or rainy (at least not in the rain in Hong Kong, anyway).  I don’t want the little guy to be too hot, get burnt, get damaged skin.  I don’t want to be trapped at home, trapped indoors, trapped in general – that can’t be good for either the little guy or me.

To be honest, it’s all scary as hell.  You don’t want to make a mistake, so you do the best you can and hope it is enough – I guess it’s like that with a lot of things in parenting.  

So, the hope is that with the plans above, it should be good.  If only there was a strap-on umbrella for my fanny pack, or maybe I now add the hat below to my “dad fashion” repertoire. 😛

possibly a necessity to protect the little guy from the sun
possibly a necessity to protect the little guy from the sun while leaving my hands free

Day 33: Books for dads

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I thought I’d take a moment today to recommend 3 good books for Fathers-to-Be and New Fathers.  These are books that were recommended and purchased for me, and they have given me a lot of insights over the last year (while my wife was pregnant, and after the baby was born).

  • “The Expectant Father:  Facts, Tips, and Advice for Dads-to-Be” By Armin A. Brott and Jennifer Ash.
    • This book gives a week-by-week explanation of what is happening with the baby’s development in the womb, and what the mom is going thru.  A lot of books do that.  But the added plus in this book is that it also talks about what you are probably going thru – and how to get thru them.  There were literally things that I had been worried about and then I read “week XX” and there it was, an explanation of how I might be feeling.  This was incredibly helpful for me – nobody wants to feel alone.  It also talks about future planning for the baby (savings accounts, etc.) and even has a good lead into after the baby is born.
  • “The New Father:  A Dad’s Guide to the First Year” By Armin A. Brott
    • By the same guy as the book above, I love this book for the same reasons – it talks a lot about what the baby is going thru, and offers some good information about specific developmental milestones, and gives a good lead-in to just about anything you might want to know about, and then you can research it more in-depth elsewhere (online, for example).
    • It also has good topics specifically for guys – like “when the mother goes back to work”, and also digs into what the mother is likely experiencing and how you might be feeling.
  • “Great Expectations: Baby’s First Year” By Sandy Jones
    • This book is a good book for more in-depth information (it’s a thick book!).  It is not really written for guys and sometimes it feels like it is not modern in it’s way of referring to the man’s role in parenting, but it is a good book for knowing where the baby is at developmentally, and a little about knowing where the mother might be emotionally, too.

What I like about all 3 books is they are easy to pick up and read for a couple of minutes, then come back to later.  This is critical when there’s a little guy who needs your full attention most of the time!  And, while the internet is a wealth of information, there’s still something nice about picking up a physical book.

Day 32: Grandma and Grandpa come to visit

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We had some visitors arriving from the USA yesterday – Grandma and Grandpa (or as I call them, Mom and Dad).  Exciting!

As the little guy lived in Sweden until coming here, my parents have only been able to see him once, at Christmas.  I think I’ve noted that he was not really a happy baby for the first 2 months, so at Christmas he was a bit of an emotional roller coaster.  But now, at 4,5 months, he is a little more into the swing of things, and is usually more predictable and more of a pleasure to be around.

So, it is good timing for them to visit and do all the fun grandparent stuff with him (as much as they can at this age) – I think mainly it will be holding, playing, and reading, maybe some feeding, diaper changes ;), and bathing, too.

We will go do the tourist stuff while they are here too, although they are coming 1st to see the little guy, and 2nd as tourists.  But nonetheless, as you’ve read me and the little guy don’t really sit around the house all day anyway, so we can add in an excursion every day after lunch, and enjoy the neighborhood in either the mornings or dinner.

We are looking forward to enjoying their company – it is difficult to live so far away from my family in general (Sweden or here, it doesn’t matter), so it is really special to have them visiting.  Now for a little while they can see our little family, and be a part of it more than just from emailing, social media, or skyping.  Exciting!

Day 31: Acid Reflux / GERD and Babies

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As our little guy is getting older, it is easy to forget what it was like in the first 2 months of his life.  Now he is usually happy and you can see there are emotions developing, so if he cries, there is now a good chance there is an emotional need he is looking to fill.  It was not always this way – the first 2 months he was uncomfortable most of the time with stomach pains leading to lots of crying, so we had what the Americans would classify as a “colicky baby”.  The only thing that gave me comfort during that time was that in one of my “dad books” it said that colicky babies tend to be better toddlers 🙂

I’ve mentioned earlier about the role that breastfeeding played in his discomfort, but there was also another really important element at play that made him sleep restlessly – the poor little guy had Acid Reflux.  Before you say, “baby’s can’t have Acid Reflux!”, let me reassure you, yes then can, and it is super common (25% of babies, according to parenting.com) .  It is called GERD – gastroesophageal reflux disease, and basically it happens because there is a “poorly coordinated intestinal tract”.  Most babies grow out of it by the first year, and for our little guy it was 2 months when he had primarily passed it, although some of the symptoms still show up from time to time.

How do you know if your child has GERD?  Some symptoms are:  (see complete list at webmd or at reflux.org).

  • Frequent coughing or weezing (especially while laying down and sleeping)
  • Frequent vomiting (especially right after eating)
  • Uncomfortable after feeding in general
  • A lot of hiccups
  • these were the symptoms for our little guy, but there are a lot more – please see the links above!

What do you do if you think the baby has GERD?

Chances are that if you live in Sweden, the doctors will tell you that GERD is not really a thing, or that there’s nothing you can do about it, and sometimes “babies make noises”.  But for me, I could not accept that a baby that is coughing all night long is “normal” – just think about it:  If you were coughing every time you laid down, and then when you were upright you were fine, is that normal?  We made a recording of the little guy coughing while sleeping and our midwife did admit she understood why we were concerned, but there was not much we could do.  So after reading on billions of websites and doing our own thing, here’s what we figured out:

  • Burp the baby – EVERY TIME, until you get at least one nice big one and one smaller one (my mother-in-law has a rule from the 1970’s-80’s: the baby should burp 3 times after each feeding – which I like, too).
  • Feed the baby less but more often (tricky if you are worried about a foremilk/hindmilk imbalance, but it can be done!)
  • Put the baby on a slight incline when sleeping (this was critical for us)
  • Don’t put the baby to sleep right away after feeding – if he/she falls asleep while feeding, it is better to keep them upright for a while if possible – for us we tried to keep him upright for 30 min.
  • If breastfeeding, there might be foods that you should cut out, but I think having the baby in the right position (at an angle, not lying flat) is the important thing

GERD is another complicated developmental thing that is purely connected to the baby’s intestinal tract and esophageal development – basically all this means is that the little things inside his body aren’t keeping the acid in the right place, and that causes discomfort.  More detailed – there is a ring of muscle at the bottom of his esophagus that connects to his stomach, and it is not yet fully developed, so there is not a good “seal” between the stomach and esophagus.

I should also point out that it is important that you do not only self-diagnose it as GERD if you see some of the symptoms from my links above.  They could be symptoms of something more serious, so you would want to call your doctor if you are experiencing some of them.  Just remember if the doctor gives you every new parents’ least-favorite words “it’s normal”, what they mean by “it’s normal” is that it is common, and it is not harmful – but there are further things you can do to make the baby more comfortable that have nothing to do with medicines or tiny baby acid reflux pills.  Basically letting gravity do it’s job is 99% of it.

Again, I cannot stress enough my point above about listening to your instincts.  You are a parent with a child.  And this means that you know your baby, and you know if a noise is normal or if it is something to look more into.  If your baby is crying a lot, or is making weird noises, you can (and should) do something about it.  If we hadn’t done the above things, it would have been even more difficult during those months.  At least this helped him sleep more comfortably at the very least (and therefore we slept more too).  Sleep is critical for the little guy’s brain development – and your brain too 😉

If you are a reader who stumbled upon this blog late at night, here are some resources that are helpful:

Day 30: The Baby Room

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Up until now, we have had the little guy in our room with us.  We tried to have him in a separate room one night back when he was 2 weeks old, and that lasted about 30 minutes before we moved his little bed next to ours.

Part of the reason for the closeness was practical matters – in Stockholm the apartment is a 1 bedroom 42 square meters (420 square feet), and in the previous Hong Kong Apartment, it was a little bigger at 2 bedrooms (1 was tiny) and 65 square meters (650 square feet).  And finally at this apartment we are at 3 bedrooms and 82 square meters (820 square feet).

This meant that what we planned all along (1 master bedroom, a baby room, and a guest room) was finally going to happen.

Now, this was something I had looked forward to for a while – but not my wife.  See, there’s a closeness that her and the little guy have that I will never, ever have.  I do not have any jealousy or envy – I like it.  It’s incredible to see those two so close, and there should be a good bond that a son and a mother have – just like there is and will be a good bond between him and me.  They make each other smile, laugh, squeal.  Sometimes it makes it harder to take care of the little guy, but for the most part I think it is amazing.

So, the little guy got his own room.  It’s got a dresser, his bed, an area for changing.  It even has a view of Hong Kong Island.  We even have an Eames Rocking Chair coming.  This is one awesome baby room.  Plus, it’s right next to our room, so we can easily hear him if he needs us (we also have a baby monitor).

So, we went through the night routines, and put him to bed.  And what happened on the first night?  He slept like a baby very well, and woke up at the normal times, just like he did when he was next to us.  How did it go for me?  I slept like usual.  How did it go for my wife?  She was worried that she could not hear him if he needed us.  She didn’t sleep well, she was concerned – she could no longer look over at him to make sure he was OK.  Day 2 was a little better but he ended up in our bed with us fairly early (how did that happen?!) 😉

Up until now, she has had the little one 40cm away to look at and make sure he is OK – and now she has to have faith that he is OK in the other room.  I can empathize with her – and I hope that she slowly gains a feeling of security.

Going forward, we will have to create new routines – for example it used to be easy to reach over and help him fall back asleep, put the pacifier back in his mouth, or otherwise soothe him, but now it’s: wake up – > get out of bed -> help him fall back asleep -> fall back asleep yourself.

As for the timing, moving the little guy to another room when he is just over 4,5 months old: many American parents have their babies in their own rooms from birth, so I think it is just fine that he is going into his own room now.  In addition, the transition would not be any easier at 6 months, 9 months, 12 months, and so on – so I guess the question is: if not now, when?