Day 78: How do you get “me time” as a stay at home parent?

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Yesterday I was talking with my wife and I mentioned it is really hard to get solid “me time”.  I don’t think she fully followed me on it, because after all, I am with the little guy all day long, and when I go for walks I am alone, and when he is napping I am alone – isn’t that “me time”?  Nope.

As you saw from an earlier post, when the nap starts, the clock starts to get things done to prepare for the next “awake time”.  So that is definitely not when you get time to yourself.  Then there’s the walks – we do 2 long ones a day (morning and afternoon) – and while I usually listen to podcasts and call family and friends on the morning walk, they are peppered with a lot of checking on the little guy, making sure he is happy and comfortable and covered from the sun.  Also on the walks we do various tasks like go to the supermarket, which again is not really time to myself.

What about when my wife gets home?  At that point it is usually later in the day, and I must get into the kitchen to cook dinner.  A quick, “welcome home” and handing over the little guy so she can spend time with him.  While cooking, it is probably the most time I have to myself all day, and since I like cooking, it is nice and de-stressing, so that is a good 30 minutes.  What about the rest of that “me time” stuff, where I can take care of myself by reading, maybe watch an episode from a series I like, looking for things online, or otherwise just be together with myself?

It seems that as things change when you become a parent, your needs (or wants, or desires) must also change.  I mentioned earlier that your lifestyle must change, but this is much deeper than that.  You can’t have a need for too much “me time”, and your definition of it must also change.  Perhaps enjoying small bursts of solid “me time”, instead of a solid block is what you should look for.  And then it is all about quality over quantity.  It is very difficult to fulfill needs of the little guy, spend quality time with my wife and keep our relationship growing, and to do what I need to do for my own independence.  But, as with everything, there can be a well-balanced harmony between all elements, and that’s what I am working towards.

Day 77: Whiny Baby at Bedtime

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I’ve written about the importance of remembering that “everything is a phase” with the little guy, and now is no exception.  For the last week, he has gotten extra whiny at bedtime.  It’s not really bedtime that he is whiny about, it’s the hour before bedtime, when he is really indecisive, can’t figure out if he is hungry, wants to play, wants to read a book, or wants to cuddle.

I have read about this a lot, it has the name of “the witching hour”.  Lots of babies do this, so it is not something I am alarmed about.  Regardless, it’s not really super fun to deal with, because he goes from laughing at something to crying in about 2 seconds, and then he wants to lay his head down, and then he wants to sit up, and so on.  You can see how tired he is, but he simply does not know it, or does not want to admit it to himself, I guess.  One big part of me wants to laugh at the ridiculousness of his push to stay awake.  The other part of me says I need to find plenty of activities to do with him during this time to establish good bedtime routines – I don’t want this to be a battle that we take with us for the next many years to come.

So, now is a time when the evenings are a little bit of a rocky ride for us.  The good thing is that he usually gets really worn out from all the fussing and sleeps well, but the not-so-good part is that it is not really fun to deal with it.  It is now that I again find myself wondering how single parents do it without their partner to help out, to take them while someone makes dinner, and so on.  For my wife and me, I think we just have to again be on the same page of the ways we plan to handle it, and make the “arc” from 18:30 – 19:30 ending with him sleeping in bed.  Also key is keeping the faith that this too is just a phase 😉

Day 76: Reactivating My Facebook Account

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4 years ago, I deactivated my facebook account.  There were a lot of reasons for this, the biggest was just because it was taking too much attention in my life.  So much noise, from old friends, new friends, and so on, it was overwhelming me.

I have loved not having Facebook for these 4 years, but to meet people (other dads and moms for example), the way it happens is thru Facebook groups – at least that’s how it is in Hong Kong.  So, today it had to make the big “reactivation” – it’s not so much about my needs, but I want to make sure me and the little guy are being social.

It was weird to reactivate my Facebook account, mainly because of the old photos and timeline.  But I powered thru it, deleting a lot, dropping old “friends”, and updating my privacy settings.  I think for me, Facebook will probably be one of those things I use when I am looking for something – like how I google something or look on amazon.  The purpose is different, it’s a tool to meet people, find out what’s happening, and to build a real life social group.  Of course the hope is always that I will deactivate it again, but I think at the very least, this go-around will be a lot more balanced.  I don’t think I have a choice, I have a little guy right here in front of me daily to keep me in check. 😉

Day 75: Making Friends and the Safety of Anonymity

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It is nice living in Discovery Bay, where so many other people are in the “same boat”.  If you keep any kind of regular routine, you will eventually start running into the same people doing the same things – as they also have routines.  Some have dogs, some have babies (some say DB stands for “dogs and babies”, instead of Discovery Bay).  I have found some really nice stay at home moms at my baby swim class last week, and today a few of us had lunch and then went swimming.  It was a great afternoon.

It is so nice talking about the babies, what they are up to and what stages they are going thru.  It is almost therapeutic to know of the challenges that some people have had and overcome – knowing you have also overcome those same challenges, or that you will encounter them and will prevail. And there is so much to learn from other parents if you just talk a bit.

Of course in the process of getting to know one another, you ask questions.  You find out the back story, the “who”, “what”, and “where” of the person, their spouse, and what it is that makes them find themselves also in Discovery Bay with a child.  It is nice to get to know people on a more personal level, and to have them get to know you.

Today I realized you are really giving up something when you get out of your bubble and get to know people.  You are letting go of the safety of anonymity, and you are putting yourself out there.  They might not like you, they might not like your “story”, they might think something you said or did while you were talking was weird.  You want them to like you, you want to be included and sought after as a friend.  I never realized how much over time I have come to appreciate that safety of being the anonymous person in the crowd – maybe one reason I like to live in cities rather than smaller towns; there is comfort in that bubble.

Of course when you break thru that bubble, your life is 100x more enriched, and you are glad you have these new friends and companions in your life – and they could be lifelong friends that you never would have planned on.  If not, it is no big deal, but it is kind of cool to think about that potential.  It is fun to meet new people, but you will never meet anyone if you stay anonymous.

Day 74: Worrying about your Baby and Babyproofing the Home

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As the little guy is getting more active with rolling over, is getting closer to crawling, and generally grabs everything within arm reach when carrying him, I find myself worrying a lot.  It has kept we from sleeping well the last 2 nights, and it is consuming me overall that I am afraid he will hurt himself at any given moment.  Gone are the days when the little guy would sit comfortably in my arms – now he wants to interact with that crazy world out there.

My worries apply to everyday situations that if you are not 100% alert, could be a life-changer.  For example, what if I just pop into the kitchen with him to grab the bottle for him that has been warming, and my wife has been cutting something with a knife and left it on the counter.  Boom, he grabs the knife.  It freaks me out just thinking about it.  It could also be something hot, a pen sitting on a table, or basically anything hard (he has no control over the arms and is smashing everything into his face at the moment).  Your mind begins to look at everything like a hazard.  E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G.

So, apparently it is time to put everything away all the time, and make sure my wife and I have agreements about how the kitchen will get handled.  Everyone talks about “babyproofing the home”, and I guess this is what they mean by that.  There is little need to do this until the 6 month point, but now the time is upon us.  And it also applies to the floor – how much padding do we put on the floor, and how to we make sure he doesn’t smack his head when playing in the baby gym (or rolling out from it).

There is of course another alternative to hiding everything.  We could wrap our apartment, our stuff, and our baby’s head and hands with foam and bubble wrap to make sure it is all as safe as possible.  Not sure if that is a good idea, I can’t imagine it is easy to cut tomatoes with a bubble wrap knife, and I imagine he will get frustrated trying to pick things up with a bubble-wrap mitten on.  Back to the drawing board.  Hopefully the anxiety will pass soon, but I have a feeling this is just what it is like to be a parent – always something to worry about.

Day 73: Chicken Burgers

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Keeping in line with our menu plans from last week, we started off the week this week with home-made burgers.  I don’t eat beef, so I did this one with chicken.  Really easy and good, and you can add any spice you want to make the burgers more interesting (tikka masala burgers, etc.)  Here’s what you do:

  • 1 pound (or 500g) ground chicken breast
  • 1 egg
  • Salt and pepper, other spices as you wish
  • Put it all together in a bowl, make into patties (3 or 4)
  • Put some oil in a pan, add the patties.  Once crispy on 1 side, flip and add a little water, then the lid (chicken burgers you want to cook well done and this helps them not to dry out)
  • Meanwhile, place buns in oven to toast
  • Also meanwhile, cut tomatoes and clean lettuce
  • Also meanwhile, prepare the plates
  • When juices are clear and meat is not pink (will likely be white in color, just like when you cook chicken breast), they are ready
  • Enjoy!

Day 72: Stay at Home Dad (or Mom) = Super Efficiency

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The little guy is down for a nap, which normally goes for about 45 minutes.  That means I have 45 minutes to do a variety of things:

  • clean up in the kitchen
    • do the dishes
    • empty the trash
    • clean bottles
    • prepare next bottle
  • make sure living room, baby room, bedroom, and bathrooms are looking good, clean, and not cluttered (which they may have become with a baby in tow)
  • eat
  • put everything out for whatever we are doing next in the day, so that I don’t have to do it with a no-longer-very-small baby in my arms

That last one is key.  I have written about setting yourself up for success by proactively planning your day, including feedings and diaper changes, and this is the same thing.  If I want to be less stressed about whatever it is that me and the little guy are doing next, I need to set myself up for success by using his sleep time to get ready.

Basically, when he falls asleep, the stopwatch starts ticking NOW! and I’ve gotta get on it – no rest for the weary.  Now I have about 3 minutes until I think he will wake up.  Better go pee.

Day 71: Changing your Lifestyle when You are a Parent

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Today was a big milestone for us – our little guy turned 6 months!  It’s a big deal for a lot of reasons, and one is that from now on, things apparently go even faster with a child’s development.  I like tracking the development of the little guy; it is absolutely fascinating to see a little human learning such basic things for the first time.

I have been reflecting a lot on the last 6 months, and one thing is undeniable: having a child fundamentally changes your life.  Or, it should.  For me, I knew going into this “dad thing” that life as I knew it as a childless guy was not going to be the same.  I have talked to my wife about this a lot of times, and I think this is only considered a bad thing if you are trying to live the same lifestyle – for example, maybe if you want to go to bars every night, you will really find parenting a drag, or you will continue to try to live that lifestyle and will not be an involved parent.  There is nothing wrong with staying who you are, but I guess my point is that who you are should probably shift to involve the best for your family.

Yesterday, when we were looking for our new stroller, we were in a few different baby stores on Hong Kong island.  In these stores are numerous couples who are pregnant or with babies or small children.  1 year ago that would have been a version of hell to me –  a utopia of stuff that I had no interest in and no connection to (why should I if I do not have children?).  But now, as a dad that is involved in raising my child, I find these places as meccas of potential.  I heard a couple walk by and the guy said, “what are we doing here, I have to get going, the rugby game has already started.”  I do not know that couple’s story, but at surface level, it sounded like a guy who is desperately trying to hold on to the “non parent” lifestyle.  Maybe it is important to watch the rugby game for this guy, but if you are not involved in the things that impact the kids, you can’t complain later when your wife or the kids are not listening to you or don’t involve you.

As a parent, your kids come first, right?  So for those parents who have hobbies or interests that are difficult to do when you have a child, it might be time to re-analyze them and/or modify them (ex, if you like photography, take the camera with you on walks with the stroller).  It is super important to maintain hobbies and be active as a parent, but if too many of them are not “baby friendly”, then it seems to me like you as a parent want to analyze what it is you are holding onto.  I have learned that having a baby in my life means completely letting go of any old lifestyle and welcoming the new one 100%.  Some things carried forward, but what I have now is richer, more meaningful, and altogether more rewarding than I could have imagined.

Day 70: Graco Citilite R: A Good City Stroller / Travel Stroller

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Today we purchased our “city stroller” to use when we go into the city and when we travel.  We already have a Joolz Day, which we left in Sweden this trip because it is getting really beat up when we fly with it, even though we use the Stokke Pram Pack.  We decided then to buy a “cruiser” like the Joolz Day to use in Discovery Bay, so we found a Maclaren Grand Tour LX used for 1000 HKD (1100 SEK, 120 USD), which we really like.  But we cannot bring it into the city.

So, today we headed out to Hong Kong island to take a look at what was out there, and we ended up purchasing the Graco Citilite R in blue/white.  I think the more common color is red/black, but we liked how this looked.  They usually run about 2100 HKD (2250 SEK, 270 USD), but we scored it on major sale for 1300 HKD (1400 SEK, 170 USD).

Graco Citilite R
Graco Citilite R

Here’s what I like about it:

  • it is super light (4,5 kg – about 9.9 pounds)
  • size – this is one of the smallest strollers on the market
  • reversible, so you can have the child facing the direction you walk, or face you (rare for these light strollers)
  • collapsible with 1 hand, can do it while holding the little guy (and so can my wife), and it collapses into a nice small size
  • expandable with 1 hand as well
  • when collapsed, there is a shoulder strap to carry it
  • comfortable ride for the little guy – he liked riding in it most the afternoon
  • looks ok
  • bar across the front means we can steer with 1 hand
  • Mesh basket underneath for storing small things
  • Good maneuverability
  • HUGE shade that you can basically pull over the whole baby area that also has mesh for air
  • Adjustable backrest for the little guy – from almost sitting straight up to almost lying all the way down
  • Price – much better than the nearest competitor, the Yoyo
  • Leg rest is extendable, and even has a cover that you can pull out for cold days
  • 5-point harness on the seat holds the little guy in and makes him secure
  • Has a cross bar (I don’t know why this is important to me, but I guess it makes me feel like the little guy is more secure)

Here’s what I do not like about it:

  • Looks cheap (but to be fair to Graco, all strollers in this category look cheap)
  • Feels cheap (all plastic, what can I say?!)
  • Stability is not as solid as our bigger ones (but still seems safe, and feels better with the weight of the little guy in it than when you try it out in the store without a baby in it)

Overall I am happy with our purchase – of course it is day 1, so we will see over time how I feel about it, but when I compare the price with what we got, and the features it has, it seems like a winner.  And key thing is that the little guy seems to like it too, which is above all the most important thing.

Day 69: Baby Swim!

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Today I took the little guy to a baby swim – our first trip to the pool together!  I had pictured that baby swim would involve talking quietly with the baby, easing him into and out of the water, and otherwise acting like we are in a library, but in the water.  Nope.  That is not what happens at all!

Basically from the moment the class started, we were super active – there was no rest for the weary.  It felt like pool bootcamp for the parents with the children being our weights.  Ok, not really, but I was actually tired afterwards.  What we did was a lot of holding the baby in front of us and helping them kick their legs or move their arms, and instructing them, like “kick, kick, kick, kick,” and so on.  As it was our first time, the little guy did not go under the water, but that is coming in the next session I think.

Before we went today, we were notified that they need everyone to use the “2-nappy system” for their swimming babies: 1) Swimming diaper, and 2) “happy nappy”-like product that goes over the diaper.  Basically it is important that any waste that were to come out of the little swimmers stays contained.  I really like the “happy nappy”, which is made of neoprene and feels kind of streamlined.  The little guy did not seem to mind it, either 🙂

Happy Nappy Baby Swimsuit
Happy Nappy Baby Swimsuit

And did the little guy like it?  Absolutely!  He was not at all concerned about the water and was having a lot of fun splashing and learning to move.  It was a 40 minute session, and the time went by quickly for both of us.  I am looking forward to going again next week!